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" The men molest you. Last night I ... I molested you." That's different." Why?" I dunno. It just is. Why do you ask?" Just curious. You're very young to have such a ... an advanced interest in sex." I don't think about it that much. Life here isn't that hard. For the main part, it's actually quite enjoyable. The Baron looks after us all and he's told me that when I'm older, he'll give me a nice place to live and enough money to look after myself. It certainly beats messing around at school." What about the other girl ... Susan?" I really like her. She was a bit strict with me when I first arrived, but once I learned the ropes she was great. I sleep with her whenever I'm not required by the Baron's men." Or the Baron?" He doesn't have me that often. He spends most of his time with Susan and Ingrid, probably because they can speak his language." You've not learned to speak German?" I've picked up a few phrases but I can't be bothered to be honest, it's too much like hard. I don't know who I am these days. I look in my eyes in the mirror and try to see but they show me nothing. I cannot explain to Mark how much I hurt because I have caused him such deep pain. The shame of sleeping with another man is constantly on my mind; I can't shake it. If there were some way of explaining to my husband, my love, how I truly feel, I would do it. He won't listen to me though. I'm afraid I've hurt him too much.We haven't talked much since that day when Mark walked out of the doctor's office--just briefly, and about things to do for, or with, Alyssa. I don't know what to say to him anyway. Doctor Jamison says I need to let my guilt slide away but I don't know how to do that. I am guilty... guilty of cheating on Mark, and Alyssa too. My God, the memories of what I said to him the last night I was with that Brian haunt me day and night. I can't sleep without hearing those awful words again. I don't deserve a man like Mark. He's right to have pushed me away the way he.
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